Fun - Jokes

Don't Have Anything

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry. Don't have that."

"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

 

A Demanding Customer

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

 

Everything Is Funny

Mr. X had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for him to pull over.

When he did, truck driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Mr. X, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".

Truck driver then went to his car and cut up leather seats. When he turned around Mr. X had a slight grin on his face, so truck driver said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in the car. When he turns and looks at Mr. X,  he has a smile on his face. Truck driver is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all car tires. Now Mr. X is laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and Mr. X is laughing so hard he is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked Mr. X.

Mr X replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

 

Getting A Better Warranty

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

 

Flat Tyres

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

Fresh News

Smart City project, in the state’s industrial hub Kochi, received a further jolt when the Kerala government changed its stand once again on the project’s Special Economic Zone (SEZ) status.

 

One of various initiatives to be launched by Delhi's Overseas Indian Facilitation Centre, a public-private venture of the Ministry of Overseas Indian Affairs and the Confederation of Indian Industry announced in Muscat that they will launch a 'Diaspora Knowledge Network'. The goal of the Network is to bring together NRIs and PIOs and provide them a platform to share their expertise in different fields, with compatriots in India.

 

According to Open Doors, an authoritative annual report, for the seventh year running, India is the leading source of foreign enrolments on US campuses constituting 15 percent of total US university enrolment, at 94,563 students for the academic year 2007-08.

 

India's Moon Impact Probe launched from its unmanned spacecraft Chandrayaan-1 landed on the moon's surface successfully. The Probe descended from the satellite in what was described as a perfect operation, joining the US, the erstwhile Soviet Union and the European Union as the fourth nation to achieve the historic milestone.

 

Praful Patel the Civil Aviation Minister stated the current high air fares will come down from January, as airlines will start passing the benefit of cheaper jet fuel to passengers.

 

Leading Malayalam movie star Kavya Madhavan is engaged to NRI Nischal, who works in the Bank of Kuwait. Ms Kavya has stopped signing on new films and will move to Kuwait after she is married.

 

A monthly magazine exclusively for NRIs in the US, Consim Info was recently launched that is aiming at the match-making wannaweds in the US.

 

The Saudi government has banned foreigners who cannot read or write from taking up jobs in the country.

 

According to latest official figures an estimated 220,000 Indians live in the US illegally, recording an 81 percent increase in the number over the last seven years.

 

The Blue Card that is a fast track work visa for skilled Indians to live and work in Europe was approved by ambassadors of the European Union's 27 member states and is expected to be ratified at a meeting in Brussels later in November.

 

The Post-graduate Programme for Executives known as PGPX is becoming a channel for Indian executives working abroad looking to return to India to see if the programme is a route to start afresh at home.

 

Lured by high returns, NRIs pumped $513 million into Indian coffers in NRI deposits in September, the highest since December 2006.

Fun - Truth

Are you asking, "Why should we blow our own trumpet?" Because it's our own trumpet. If we do not blow it, then who will? N.A.Rowland was a reputed physicist. He was once called to the court to give his opinion on a scientific matter. In the court, an attorney asked him who he thought the greatest physicist in USA to be. Rowland replied, "I am."

Later a friend told him that he should not have boasted. "But I was not boasting," protested Rowland. "I was under oath to tell the truth and I told the truth!"

Global Meltdown May Hit Kerala Hard

As the impact of the global meltdown hits Kerala, the state could lose about 150,000 jobs, mostly in the plantation and traditional sectors, the state finance minister said on Monday.

 

T M Thomas Issac told the assembly that the drastic fall in the prices of commodities produced in the state, like coconut oil, would mean loss of jobs in their thousands.

 

When the recession hits the Gulf countries, where lakhs of Malayalees work, remittances would suffer, hitting industries like construction hard leading to disappearance of employment, he said.

 

The depreciation of the rupee vis-a-vis the US dollar has affected the state critically, Issac said replying to a calling attention motion. The slowdown will also reflect on the growth rate, which will fall to 6%, he added.

 

Various sectors like tourism and IT too have taken a hit due to recession, he said. While in the tourism sector, the decline was 20%, this was 5% more in the IT industry, he said.

 

One reason, he said, was that prices of goods manufactured in the state had fallen while those imported to the state had not. Increased import of edible oils like palm oil also meant a drastic fall in price of the state's own commodities like coconut oil, he said.

 

He said the Centre should raise the cap on borrowing and allow the state to bring in more money for infrastructure development.

 

The industry reacted cautiously to Issac's statement. "As of now, I'm not really alarmed,'' said N Radhakrishnan Nair, chairman of the Technopark here, one of India's biggest IT parks. "Indications right now are that the meltdown has not seriously affected the IT industry. But in the next five to six months, we may also feel the heat. But at the moment we cannot say, which way it will impact.''

 

He said on the brighter side, the crisis may also prove to be a boon for the IT industry. "It may see more jobs being outsourced to India, especially to places like Thiruvananthapuram or Kozhikode because of their cost effectiveness.''

 

V K Mathews, chairman of IBS Technologies - a leading IT firm - said one could not underestimate the effect of the economic crisis. "The impact on India will be far less compared to the rest of the world and on Kerala's IT sector, it will be minimal.''

 

Stakeholders in the plantation sector feel the slowdown in the automotive sector will reduce the global demand for rubber. "There may be slowdown in exports of cardamom or cocoa too, but that will be known only in two or three months' time as the consumption slows down,'' said P T Joseph, vice-chairman of the Association of Planters of Kerala.

 

The tourism sector too reacted on similar terms. Says K C Chandrahasan, MD of Kerala Tours and Travels, "For those in the industry who were looking forward to the annual season, there is a slowdown. But that was mostly because they did not have a Plan B worked out. This has to be taken in a cool manner. There is no need for any knee-jerk reaction.''

Fresh News

The Government of Kerala is planning to upgrade the Rajiv Gandhi Academy for Aviation Technology (RGATT) to a national institute.

 

Kerala Tourism under pressure of global recession.

 

Gold continues to be the most traded commodity in the southern Indian state of Kerala.

 

The Indian rupee fell to 50 per dollar once again, hit by losses in the domestic equity market and heavy dollar demand from banks looking to arbitrage between onshore spot and offshore forward rates.

 

Jet Airways shows interest in flying directly to Mangalore from Dammam & Bahrain.

 

Kerala is no more a favourable destination for IT companies, according to VK Mathews, Chairman & CEO of IBS Software.

 

To increase foreign exchange inflow into the country, Kerala's Finance Minister on Monday urged the central government to hike NRI interest rates.

News - Dutch couple in India pays $200 for "special" samosas

A Dutch couple on a visit to the eastern Indian state of Bihar paid 10,000 rupees ($204) for four samosas, a spicy deep-fried snack that usually doesn't cost more than a few rupees, a newspaper reported on Monday.

After the tourists ate the snacks, a stall owner at the Sonepur cattle fair last week told them his "special" samosas cost more because they were made of herbs and had aphrodisiac qualities, the Hindustan Times said.

After an argument, the couple paid the shopkeeper. But they later complained to a policeman. Police forced the shopkeeper to return the change -- 9,990 rupees.($1=49 rupees)

Fresh News

Praful Patel the Civil Aviation Minister stated the current high air fares will come down from January, as airlines will start passing the benefit of cheaper jet fuel to passengers.

 

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh asked the energy rich country to invest surplus funds in India's infrastructure sector to help it return to 9 percent growth levels.

 

The Saudi government has banned foreigners who cannot read or write from taking up jobs in the country.

 

The Supreme Court has ruled that NRI quotas in medical colleges are meant for NRIs and not for resident Indians who are bending the system to get admission in MBBS and BDS courses.

 

According to latest official figures an estimated 220,000 Indians live in the US illegally, recording an 81 percent increase in the number over the last seven years.

 

The Blue Card that is a fast track work visa for skilled Indians to live and work in Europe was approved by ambassadors of the European Union's 27 member states and is expected to be ratified at a meeting in Brussels later in November.

 

Government signed a memorandum of understanding with Indiaroots, a company that will be paid to trace the roots of the millions of curious NRIs.

 

To celebrate its fifth anniversary, budget carrier Air Arabia will fly all its passengers on all its sectors free of cost on October 28th.

SBI acquires higher profile in the Gulf

State Bank of India (SBI) is set to expand its footprint in the Gulf, with an offer of brand new services for its clients in the United Arab Emirates (UAE). Armed with a Category 1 licence from the Dubai Financial Services Authority (DFCA), SBI will now be in a position to accept deposits, provide credit, arrange credit for investments, and offer advice on financial products. The bank will launch its new operations from its branch at the Dubai International Financial Centre (DIFC), a rapidly growing global hub for banking, capital markets, insurance, asset management and other financial services.

 

“Our services are open to all nationals as we are determined to acquire a more prominent niche as a global player in international banking circles,” said A. J. Vidyasagar, Chief Executive Officer of SBI’s branch at DIFC. He added that SBI, ranked fifty seventh globally, already had a natural advantage of servicing Indian clients involved with trading activity or investments in the Gulf.

 

Mr. Vidyasagar pointed out that that the branch would provide working capital as well as trade finance, both fund based and non-fund based, term loans and project financing.

Fresh News

You have to be a genuine NRI to take admission under the NRI quota in medical colleges, said the Supreme Court on Monday.

 

NRIs have appealed to the Central Information Commission ( CIC ) to direct Indian missions abroad to provide information related to public authorities back home under the act.

 

Kerala government has confirmed the availability of 2000 acres of land for the development of the proposed 1600 MW thermal power project in Kasaragod.

SBI LIFE “ UNIT PLUS” PRODUCT BOUQUET

We have please to introduce you to SBI Life's flagship "Unit Plus" product range, which have  become the flavour among the NRIs/HNIs. Due to steep corrections, stock markets have bottomed out, which is an ideal time to make investments and make significant gains, once the market bounces back. Moreover, it offers an attractive  opportunity to have more units allotted on the investment. With a view to enable our valued customers to derive maximum benefit from the current market situation, we have launched "20-Twenty, tax-investment-pension plan festival" from 20th Oct 2008 to 30th Nov. 2008, when free advisory services are extended to the our valued customers on how to invest and gain from a volatile stock markets and also advices on tax-investment-pension-child benefit plans . Towards this it is our endeavour to give a snap shot of various generic  benefits of SBI Life investments and  USPs of a couple of  well performing funds from SBI Life, which you can consider adding to your investment portfolio. :

 

•                    PAN Card not required.

•                    Basket of 5 funds to choose from, to suit your risk appetite  i.e. Bond, Balanced, Growth,  Equity Optimizer and Equity, with varying proportion of bond and equity investments.

•                    Switching Facility – to move your investments from one fund to another and insulate you from stock market volatility.

•                    Impressive performance of all Unit Plus products, despite stock market turbulence

•                    Single product offering, combining advantages of investment + insurance (including pure investment products like Unit Plus II Pension and Horizon II Pension).

 

Unit Plus Child

·         Age Bracket : Parent (18 to 57 years) & Child (0 to 15 years).

·         Minimum Term : 8 years or 18 minus age of child at entry age.

·         Triple Benefits (in case of unfortunate demise of Parent).

o   Sum Assured paid in lump sum to nominee (child).

o   All future premiums till child attains 18 years, will be paid by SBI Life .

o   Accumulated Fund Value paid to nominee on maturity.

·         Loyalty Units – to celebrate your child's 18th birth day.

·         Limited Premium Payment Term Option (Rs.84,000 x 3 years/Rs.60,000 x 5 years/ Rs.48,000 x 7 years)- a hassle free premium payment option for NRIs/HNIs (or Rs.12000/- p.a. till the child attains 18 years of age).

·         Settlement Option  - facility to stay invested in market, even after the maturity.

·         Lowest premium allocation and surrender charges.

·         Investment eligible for tax deduction upto Rs.1 lac under Sec. 80 (C ).

·         Maturity/Death claim benefits – absolutely tax free.

 

Unit Plus II Pension ( The best performing Unit Linked Pension Plan in the market)

•                    Opportunity to earn stock market linked returns with optional insurance protection too + income tax benefits.

•                    Hassle free formalities, with no need to undergo medical examination.

•                    Pure investment option and life cover.

•                    Guaranteed additions -30%  of average annual premium (for investments of 20 years and above).

•                    Can surrender the policy from 4th policy year onwards, at full NAV, without any charges.

•                    Variety of funds to choose from depending upon your risk appetite, ranging from safe bond funds to high yielding equity funds and hybrid combination of both.

•                    Top up option – to enhance your returns.

•                    Switching option – to shift funds from equity to growth and vice versa and insulate you from market volatility.

•                    Age at entry : 18-65 years / Pension age : 50-70 years

•                    Attractive optional riders, at competitive rates (like Accidental Death/Critical illness etc.

 

It will be our pleasure to give more inputs, should you require more information. You can also access SBI Life's web site www.sbilife.co.in for more details.

 

:- SBI Life Insurance Company Limited.

Article By Warren Buffet - world's richest investor

The financial world is a mess, both in the United States and abroad. Its problems, moreover, have been leaking into the general economy, and the leaks are now turning into a gusher. In the near term, unemployment will rise, business activity will falter and headlines will continue to be scary.

 

So ... I’ve been buying American stocks. This is my personal account I’m talking about, in which I previously owned nothing but United States government bonds. (This description leaves aside my Berkshire Hathaway holdings, which are all committed to philanthropy.) If prices keep looking attractive, my non-Berkshire net worth will soon be 100 percent in United States equities.

 

Why?

 

A simple rule dictates my buying: Be fearful when others are greedy, and be greedy when others are fearful. And most certainly, fear is now widespread, gripping even seasoned investors. To be sure, investors are right to be wary of highly leveraged entities or businesses in weak competitive positions. But fears regarding the long-term prosperity of the nation’s many sound companies make no sense. These businesses will indeed suffer earnings hiccups, as they always have. But most major companies will be setting new profit records 5, 10 and 20 years from now.

 

Let me be clear on one point: I can’t predict the short-term movements of the stock market. I haven’t the faintest idea as to whether stocks will be higher or lower a month — or a year — from now. What is likely, however, is that the market will move higher, perhaps substantially so, well before either sentiment or the economy turns up. So if you wait for the robins, spring will be over.

 

A little history here: During the Depression, the Dow hit its low, 41, on July 8, 1932. Economic conditions, though, kept deteriorating until Franklin D. Roosevelt took office in March 1933. By that time, the market had already advanced 30 percent. Or think back to the early days of World War II, when things were going badly for the United States in Europe and the Pacific. The market hit bottom in April 1942, well before Allied fortunes turned. Again, in the early 1980s, the time to buy stocks was when inflation raged and the economy was in the tank. In short, bad news is an investor’s best friend. It lets you buy a slice of America’s future at a marked-down price.

 

Over the long term, the stock market news will be good. In the 20th century, the United States endured two world wars and other traumatic and expensive military conflicts; the Depression; a dozen or so recessions and financial panics; oil shocks; a flu epidemic; and the resignation of a disgraced president. Yet the Dow rose from 66 to 11,497.

 

You might think it would have been impossible for an investor to lose money during a century marked by such an extraordinary gain. But some investors did. The hapless ones bought stocks only when they felt comfort in doing so and then proceeded to sell when the headlines made them queasy.

Today people who hold cash equivalents feel comfortable. They shouldn’t. They have opted for a terrible long-term asset, one that pays virtually nothing and is certain to depreciate in value. Indeed, the policies that government will follow in its efforts to alleviate the current crisis will probably prove inflationary and therefore accelerate declines in the real value of cash accounts.

 

Equities will almost certainly outperform cash over the next decade, probably by a substantial degree. Those investors who cling now to cash are betting they can efficiently time their move away from it later. In waiting for the comfort of good news, they are ignoring Wayne Gretzky’s advice: “I skate to where the puck is going to be, not to where it has been.”

 

I don’t like to opine on the stock market, and again I emphasize that I have no idea what the market will do in the short term. Nevertheless, I’ll follow the lead of a restaurant that opened in an empty bank building and then advertised: “Put your mouth where your money was.” Today my money and my mouth both say equities.

What's in store at the Dubai Mall

It's big in every sense of the word – a vast retail temple of glass and marble stretching over the equivalent of 50 football fields.

 

Complete with one of the world's biggest indoor aquariums, an Olympic-sized ice rink and one of the largest cinemas in the Middle East, The Dubai Mall is a landmark like no other.

 

The UAE's latest attraction at the foot of the world's tallest building has more than 3.77million sq ft of retail space and will be home to 1,200 stores once fully complete.

 

Star retailers include the 55,300 sq ft chain of high-end UK retail giant Waitrose and toy store Hamleys. The two main department stores Galeries Lafeyette from France and Bloomingdale's from the US will open in 2009 and 2010 respectively.

 

The Dubai Aquarium and Discovery Centre, home to 33,000 animal species, is already attracting visitors while other entertainment venues, such as the Sega Republic gaming zone and children's play area KidsZania, will be open in 2009.

 

Of the 160 food and beverage outlets to be opened, 40 are already operational at the food court on level two.

 

Visitors can access the mall from the Sheikh Zayed Road through the Old Town development or from the Financial Street Road, Emaar Boulevard, Downtown Burj Dubai and through the newly-opened bridge off Interchange One. There is parking for 14,000 cars.

Tips on Cyber Crime

PASSWORDS ARE LIKE CHEWING GUM, THEY TASTE BEST WHEN FRESH

SO…….Change your PASSWORD regularly

 

Safe Computing Tips

 

-              Do not reveal personal information to unknown people or websites.

 

-              Create hard-to-guess passwords and keep them private & change them regularly

 

-              Do not open emails from unknown sources.

 

-              Use anti-virus, anti-spy ware and firewall and update them regularly.

 

-              Update your operating system and web browser regularly.

 

-              Back up your important files regularly.

 

-              Do not leave your computer unattended

 

-              Never reveal your true identify in a chat room.

 

-              Maintain a regular backup of all names/email addresses in your contact list.

 

 

Safe Online Banking

 

                1.            Keep your passwords/PIN codes safe and memorize them

 

                2.            Check that the online banking website is secure.

 

                3.            Logout immediately after you have completed your online transaction.

 

                4.            Use an anti-virus, anti-spy ware and personal firewall and update them regularly.

 

                5.            Do not copy or click on any links attached to emails.

 

                6.            Do not respond to emails asking for your personal information.

 

                7.            Read privacy and policy statements before any transaction.

 

                8.            Check your account statements to ensure that no unauthorized transaction has taken place.

 

 

Some tips for Safe social Networking

 

-              Don’t reveal too much information about yourself online.

-              Be careful while communicating with people you’ve met recently online

-              Add people as friends to your site only if you know them in person.

-              Delete inappropriate messages from your profile.

-              What you post online is not private.  It can be seen by everyone.

-              Do not post information about your friends as you may put them at risk