Fun - Jokes

A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

 

"You talk?" he asks.

 

"Yep," the mutt replies.

 

"So, what's your story?"

 

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

 

"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down."

 

"So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."

 

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

 

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

 

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

 

==================================================================

 

 

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back

together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly

mother.

 

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom

enjoyed reading the morning newspaper? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a

remarkable parrot that recites newspaper. It took trainers

12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to order, and the parrot recites."

 

Soon thereafter, mom sent a letter to each son. "Milton," she wrote one son,

"the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the

whole house."

 

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the

time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. Maintainance is a big problem!"

 

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to

know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

 

==================================================================

 

 

A CEO (and member of Forbes 400!) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."

 

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

 

==================================================================

 

The Cab Driver

 

A taxi passenger sitting on the back seat tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

 

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

 

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

 

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

 

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years".